another long day...

... has come to an end. i'm so tired and really should be in bed by now... all i can think of is how i'm gonna be able to wake up tomorrow and drag myself to practice? tomorrow, though, i'm not in such a hurry. if i can only get to the shala reasonably early i will have time to do my whole practice.

you can tell spring is here and that the temperature is warmer because there is a really nice heat in the shala these days. it doesn't take as long to work up a good body heat and a nice sweat. soon we will have to open windows if we're not to faint from overheating ;-)

i do love my shala! we're a nice little group who sweat together every other morning and we have a very dedicated teacher taking such good care of us. some day when i'm not this tired and have a little more time i'll write a little more about my shala mates and the wonderful room i've landed in. i imagine it's a lot like Liz's shala over in Austin. whenever she's telling stories about their group i feel like she's talking about us :)

Happy Birthday!

A few weeks ago we celebrated Bumblebee's first birthday and today is my 1 year blogiversary!


So much has happened in a year... The blogosphere is changing; my practice is changing; my left shoulder is still bothering me but it's slowly healing under the guarding eyes and hands of my wonderful teacher Mercury; my job situation is changing, don't know yet if it's for the better or if I'll finally decide to go elsewhere. We'll see what happens...

I still have hopes for this blog, but like I wrote in my very first post, I've never felt I had much to say about myself or my life in a blog or a web site, and that may be the key to why I haven't been able to keep up my writing for the last months. I'm a very social being (some of you know this from other channels :) and I think maybe my way to express myself is in the interaction with others. Blogging is a somewhat lonesome activity up to the point when/if readers start to comment. Anyway, I AM working on it, so please, bear with me...

And the baby is not a baby anymore! She's growing into a little girl so fast you can't believe it!!! She's got six teeth and is walking and talking. Alright, no real words yet, but talking she is. Here's a little clip to prove it :) (sorry about the really poor quality of this... my camera is finally quitting on me... need to get a new one!) The clip is from after her birthday party. Everyone is running around, cleaning up the place, while she is still, after so many hours and soooo many people, just a sparkling little bundle of sunshine! How is this even possible? I love her so much it hurts...

Chitta needs to post...

To tell you the truth, life hit me, so HARD, after I got back from yoga camp. I don't like to whine, but I have to tell you straight up, I'm a total wreck... My self-confidence has gone right out the window, I don't know who I am anymore or what I'm good at in this world. I suck! There have been days when I wished I'd get a deadly disease so that I could just vanish from the face of the earth...

Of course nothing of this is true, I know that, but it's how I feel and right now I can't see a way out of it, don't know where to begin to sort out this mess and get back on track. The chittas are vritting a bit too much. Or as a very dear friend defined it: my mind is stuck in self amplifying deviation loops.

Most of this, I'm sure, emanates from the fcuking situation at work. Partly due to lots of stress that's been going on for far to long, and partly because of issues of leadership and value systems in the work environment (which of course also is stressful). All of these things can be dealt with, but they are really not my responsibility to sort out. I'm just the one getting squeezed in the middle.

I know, I know, time to find another job! Only problem is that promoting myself with a non existent self-confidence will probably not render me a new job...

I've had several talks with my boss, who is very understanding and considerate, and he SAYS he will do all in his power to help me get back on track. I'm not so sure though... he's also very anxious and unclear in his leadership. But I'm prepared to stick around a little more and at least take some advantage of the situation, let him do what he can do. Hopefully that will get me in a better state so that I can get the hell out of here.

For now, it seems that the only things that are joyful and make me a little happy is Bumblebee and my practice. I need to hold on to that and not let anything interfere or disturb it.

Practice has been good ever since yoga camp, great in fact. I've been able to keep at least 4 day weeks so far and seeing Mercury this regularly is getting my practice into a fantastic groove. Not so much in a touching-the-universe-kind-of-way, more like a I-could-do-this-every-day-for-the-rest-of-my-life-kind-of-way.

So, there you have it...

...and here is Bumblebee!

Reluctant posting

I know I haven't been a very active cyber shala mate this last week... Work has been sucking out most of my energy for the last couple of weeks. Since I'm so annoyed about my work situation and it seeps into every other part of my life, it feels like I haven't got many positive thoughts about anything right now. I don't want to appear as a whiner and I have few other things to write about. Therefore, very low-key in posting and commenting at this point. Sorry! Don't know whether this post will turn out on a more positive note, but hell, I'll give it a try.

Due to the Paris trip I didn't have a decent practice for over a week. My left shoulder broke down after long days and a bad bed (and no practice?) in Paris and here the shala is closed Friday through Sunday in the summertime. I did only some sun sals and a bit stretching last weekend. On Tuesday I got to see my wondrous body worker which was really great! Helped to relieve some of the pain in shoulder and between shoulder blades :) I'll see her again at yoga camp in August.


Isn't that at terrific combination? Daily practice for a week (uhm, six days) with Morning Star, in a beautiful place, fantastic nutritious food (Morning Star is a Cooking Goddess!), body worker available, and on top of that, Gemini will be there too, assisting as well as offering acupuncture. That week will be the prime of my vacation. I'm so much looking forward to it!

Anyway, this week with Mercury has been good, though, I been cautious and not doing full practice every day. We've been working a lot with opening chest (thorax?) and strengthening abs. It's funny, at my other (old?) shala, they are all against using props and modifications in order to build strength or awareness in different poses. Mercury on the other hand, who is authorized from Mysore (which they are not at my other shala), has no problems at all using different props and methods to help you open certain things in your body or build awareness. She's very caring and considerate, and at the same time she make's you work your butt off. She's now on her way to Mysore for Guruji's 93 year celebration! Hope she will have a wonderful time, even though I'll miss her. However, it's only for a few weeks and there will be a very good sub at the shala, so i'm gonna be ok. She'll be back when I come home from yoga camp.

This morning, almost asleep while doing the morning poop, i had a huge yawn and BAM! something snapped in the back of my neck. The immediate pain went away pretty quickly, but there was still an achy stiffness down between my shoulder blades. Luckily, the first thing I was going to do this morning was a visit with the chiro! She adjusted my neck and gave me a little massage, besides treating the shoulder and putting on new tape. Feels better now, but still a bit stiff. I need to move around a bit, not just sit here... Any suggestions on how to walk and read at the same time? Oups, and I need to get myself some lunch as well, I'm starving...

Morning practice bliss

Had a lovely practice with Gabi again this morning. She is a very warm and gentle teacher, and yet thorough and scrutinous. I have a couple of very good male teachers that are really amazing in their own different ways. But I must say, being taught by a female teacher who has such experience and the experience of a female body is just outstanding :)

Frustrating enough I need to re-learn the Surya Namaskaras. There are so many details that I haven't payed proper attention to for a long time (I can't get that none of my teachers have pointed this out to me?!). This is one of the good things about practicing with a new teacher, they immediately spot things that the regular ones seem to let you off the hook about, and they bring you out of your 'comfort zone'. By re-learning i mean that I have built patterns and muscle memories that need to be worn down. The only way to do that is to practice, practice, practice and hopefully work with a teacher that is constantly on your back about those details.

Alright, so one of my problems is, and has been for a while, that I don't have a 'main' teacher that sees me often enough and keep pointing these things out. In a week I practice with 2 to 4 different teachers. The one that I would gladly consider my 'main' teacher is only teaching in Stockholm one day a week. That's why I reached the decision to go to Mercury this summer and maybe even continue next fall. The reason I haven't been going there regularly is that her shala is further away from where I live and my resistance to get up even earlier than I already have to is tremendous! On the other hand, the shala is at least on my way to work, so it's not like I have to go in the wrong direction to get there. And it isn't all that far, I'm just spoiled to have 'my' shala three blocks from my house... But yah, I'm looking forward to going to Mercury!