To tell you the truth, life hit me, so HARD, after I got back from yoga camp. I don't like to whine, but I have to tell you straight up, I'm a total wreck... My self-confidence has gone right out the window, I don't know who I am anymore or what I'm good at in this world. I suck! There have been days when I wished I'd get a deadly disease so that I could just vanish from the face of the earth...
Of course nothing of this is true, I know that, but it's how I feel and right now I can't see a way out of it, don't know where to begin to sort out this mess and get back on track. The chittas are vritting a bit too much. Or as a very dear friend defined it: my mind is stuck in self amplifying deviation loops.
Most of this, I'm sure, emanates from the fcuking situation at work. Partly due to lots of stress that's been going on for far to long, and partly because of issues of leadership and value systems in the work environment (which of course also is stressful). All of these things can be dealt with, but they are really not my responsibility to sort out. I'm just the one getting squeezed in the middle.
I know, I know, time to find another job! Only problem is that promoting myself with a non existent self-confidence will probably not render me a new job...
I've had several talks with my boss, who is very understanding and considerate, and he SAYS he will do all in his power to help me get back on track. I'm not so sure though... he's also very anxious and unclear in his leadership. But I'm prepared to stick around a little more and at least take some advantage of the situation, let him do what he can do. Hopefully that will get me in a better state so that I can get the hell out of here.
For now, it seems that the only things that are joyful and make me a little happy is Bumblebee and my practice. I need to hold on to that and not let anything interfere or disturb it.
Practice has been good ever since yoga camp, great in fact. I've been able to keep at least 4 day weeks so far and seeing Mercury this regularly is getting my practice into a fantastic groove. Not so much in a touching-the-universe-kind-of-way, more like a I-could-do-this-every-day-for-the-rest-of-my-life-kind-of-way.
So, there you have it...
...and here is Bumblebee!
17 comments:
Oh, sweet Chitta.
I get it. I have been there and half the time AM there and it's depressing and frustrating. It's also grating when people (especially the together ones) tell you it's all going to get better, blah blah blah, because if you are me, you don't want to hear it, and you especially don't want to hear it coming from them!
So what I will say is what I would want someone to say to me which is...
Sometimes things fucking suck. They do. They suck and it is completely okay to honor that and bitch and complain about things being hideous and being stuck professionally, especially when things aren't your fault.
We haven't even met yet in person, and I can already tell you that you bring oodles of light to those whose lives you touch. At some point, the light will turn back to you. And in the meantime, you'll gain solace from things like practice and that sweet bee of bumbles.
Sending hugs and smiles across all the miles, with FUR.
xxxxxxx
anna
dearest, sweetest, bella Anna.
to me, it's you who bring light and touch people's lives. thank you so much for those words! you have no idea how much they mean to me. there have been so many times when i've read what you've written to others in difficult situations, and you always make me happy because you succeed in saying the right things, with the right balance, and what you say really do matter and is helpful! i love you for that.
Anna rocks, with the FUR!
Oh Chitta, I'm sorry you're feeling this way! Of course you have every right and the full understanding of all your yoga peeps to complain and commiserate here. If you hadn't, Anna wouldn't have had the chance to tell you that she knows how you feel, and I wouldn't be able to send you a big cyber bisou. I'm sending you dozens and dozens.
I hope this bad spot doesn't hurt too much and that you won't be mired in it too long. You are such a darling girl, such a Bright and Shiny...
xoxoxo
This is breaking my heart, which is ridiculous, since I know you through the internet and I can't understand what's really going on, but it's true. I don't want this for you. Life is too short.
Please do whatever it takes. Recognize what is true now, vent like the dickens, and move forward. And keep to your refuges, yes. Be well. Your heart is beautiful and your mind is bright.
Just checking in for today, Chitta... Are you alright?
Chitta, I'm so sorry you're in a funk. Hopefully it passes soon?
Very adorable baby!
Joy, i'm here! holding out. thank you for checking in!
one of the substantial consequences of my state is that i do things very slowly. need lots and lots of time to get any work at all done and have a hard time thinking one single thought all the way through. so, hangin' out in blogland has had to be minimized... sorry, didn't mean to worry anyone!
yes Owl, i'm doing whatever it takes! i hate being in this condition :-(
and yes LIA, the baby is truly adorable and gives me so much joy :)
thank you all for your kind words! you're so sweet, considerate and encouraging. it warms my heart and i'm so happy to have you out there. i'll keep you posted.
xxxxxxxxx
Hi Chitta, just a couple of things: it has happened to me that I have fell into a funk after a yoga intensive. It's like so much stuff shook around inside me that I find myself a bit lost of disoriented. But when things fell back into place, they somehow slotted themselves in a better place, so in the end that shook up was worth it even though it sucked at the time.
The other thing is that maybe you could be feeling the change of seasons? This year it seems to be getting a lot of people.
xxx
It DOES seem to be hitting a lot of people this year, in blogland and out, myself included. There seems to be a lot of tamas around.
I'm so glad you posted, dear chitta, and sorry you're going through this.. you know I think V is also right about the post-yoga intensive low. Whatever it is, this mood will pass, you have a sparky, sparkling presence that will shine through this fog. And if you can ever manage a few days in London just to get away, my sofa is all yours. HUG!
change of seasons or lots of tamas, whatever it is i realize i'm not alone right now. however, this is something that has been going on for quite some time, i've just tried to ignore it. so, i too think there is something to that post-yoga intensive low - yoga camp might very well have worked as a trigger!
even if everything sucks right now, you give me hope V! i'm sure things WILL fall into place, eventually, and hopefully in a better place. it's going to be hard work for me though, but well worth it.
and thank you Susan, for offering your sofa and for those sweet words :)
xxxx
Oooh, my sofa too! Chitta, I'm even buying an air mattress because in the new apt I'll have a closet to put it in. Come get some sunshine any time you like!
You too, Susan. And you too, V. All the blog friends. All of you are welcome. I'm 15 minutes from the mediterranean, guys.
Joy, i may actually take you up on that offer! a bit of sunshine in late october/early november can do wonders for a light junkie like me. and the mediterranean is beautiful that time of year :)
Oh, yay!!!! Squee!
I too am quite taken by the idea of montpellier! Maybe in spring?? :)
Yes!!
Susan, i see now that my last comment may've sounded like i'm not considering going to London. I AM! i really like to come see you, just need to find the time and money.
and girls, what were you doing up in the middle of the night?! ;-)
ps. all of you on subscription (who didn't already know) now know something very few in cyber shala knows... would you please help me keep it that way?
xxxx
No worries chitta! Standing offer for whenever.. I don't blame you going to south of France first by any means!!
Was I really up that late?? Got up for practice, anyway.
Hope you are feeling good today :)
xo
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